Nov. 5th, 2015

deense: (althea dreaming)
It started in August. There isn't a why, I wish there was. I wish I could say it was when Zoe got sicker, or because I was stressed about DragonCon. But there isn't. I think that's one of the hardest things to deal with. I've always managed to attribute my depression and anxiety to THINGS. Even if these things were caused by the former. I wanted and needed a cause.

I withdrew from everything and everyone. It wasn't constant. I could go out and have a great time. I made it through work. But I would come home and if I didn't have something on I would go to bed. I would stay in bed til the next day when I needed to go to work. Past when I needed to go to work.

I had things to do those nights. I was working on cosplay for dragoncon and on stock for Cincy comicon. With too little time left I worked madly on all the things. I didn't do any of them well. So I was disappointed with myself. That led to more anxiety, more frustration.

Dragoncon was stressful because of it. I had a great time, but I'd rushed costumes and a couple didn't work out. I was moody. I missed meetups and things I wanted to do because I just couldn't. I had massive allergic reactions to makeup I've worn before an have worn since. That isn't to say I didn't love it, I did. But I wasn't in a great place.

New York relaxed me. All I did was catch up with friends and see a show. Cincy was amazing. I had my Suzy, and I had an amazing show put on by Kara.

Then I got back. At first I told myself it was just jetlag. Then I said it was bullshit with my job. Suddenly I was working two jobs for the pay of one, and I know I got the short end of that stick. I hadn't done any RP or writing in forever. Then I started hurting all the time again instead of my usual low level pain and I spiralled into an anxiety/depression/pain cycle which felt neverending at times.

I missed feeling like a functional human.

The thing that really got me was being at the closing show for Les Mis Oz sydney and feeling so panicked that I wanted to get up and leave in the first half. This, my favourite show, with an amazing cast, there with one of my best friends. I didn't leave, and I'm glad I didn't, because stage door was amazing and I got to celebrate the closing of an awesome show with awesome people.

The last two weeks it has felt like things might be turning around. I don't try and come up with a way to get myself out of bed each morning and I don't need to talk myself out of calling in. We got a new catten. I had the Doubleclicks play at my house. I spent a day walking around erskineville and newtown and just paid attention to what I needed. I started walking again, whether it be to the next station on, or going for one after work. I started reading books again. I found a consistent doctor and went back to my rheumatologist. Like my fibro and arthritis and my depression and anxiety aren't all that I'm made of.

That isn't to say it's all behind me. I still find myself anxious more often than I am comfortable with. I still find myself dogged by the black dog that no one invites in. But more and more I feel like I can pull away from that and control this.

To the people who have reached out, thank you. Too often I have that horrible feeling that I'm a bother and that if I didn't email or message people I'd be forgotten. Thank you for proving me wrong.

November 2015

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